And the winner of “I’m a professional footballer and I’m a cockend” 2010 goes to…

Oh yes. It may have been a while since I posted something on this site, mainly due to my incredible laziness, and mainly because my own team have hardly been worth cheering about lately (bar the trip to Wembley at the end of the month), but after deciding to post tonight, how could I not choose as my subject the hilarity of the John Terry saga.

So Fabio Capello has decided to strip John Terry of the England captaincy, which is sure to be a favourable decision with the nation’s tabloids who have had endless fun in reporting on his private life. Watching Mock The Week the other night really made me laugh when they discussed the subject. One of the show’s panelists made the point that tabloid newspapers are traditionally the ones that pile enormous amounts upon the England football team before any major tournament, yet at the same time, they cannot help but try their best to ruin the team’s chances by reporting non-stop on the affair of the England captain, and show how it’s going to ruin the England dressing room (the episode is on the BBC iPlayer now, I suggest watching it, some very funny comments re: JT).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending the guy. He had an affair with his best-friend’s girlfriend, it hardly makes him a saint. Morally, it seems Capello has done the right thing. In his own words, “What is best for all of the England team has inspired my choice.”

To me, that’s fine. If it creates a better dressing room atmosphere, that’s fine. But there are two things that sort of bug me about the whole issue. The first is, will it really make that much of a difference? Wayne Bridge will very unlikely be going to World Cup, mainly because he’s a shit defender. Ashley Cole will undoubtedly by England’s first choice, and then from there I think both Leighton Baines and Stephen Warnock are more capable in that position, and even Joleon Lescott would be a better choice if Cole was injured or suspended. Also, it will probably make very little impact on the pitch. Terry will still shout his mouth off, and people will still listen to his orders. He’ll still be the effective captain, but in the dressing room the team will have to try and understand a speech from someone even less intelligent than JT: new England captain Rio Ferdinand.

Which brings me to my second point. Nearly everyone who has been calling for Terry’s head as England captain are viewing it from a moral standpoint. “It is an outrage that John Terry had an affair, he is not a role model, he should not be England captain!” Fine. So Rio Ferdinand is made captain. Rio Ferdinand, who famously lost 8 months of his career because he “forgot” to take a drugs test, who has been convicted of drink-driving, and who called Chris Moyles a “faggot” on live radio. A fantastic role model for kids.

Or maybe it should be Steven Gerrard, a man who is incredibly lucky not to be in jail for punching a man in a night club, who simply would not let him have control of the club’s music. If Gerrard was tried in any other part of the country he’d be a guilty man, but luckily for him he is worshipped on the north-west coast. Another great role model, who has taught kids that an uppercut is in fact self-defence.

Or maybe Wayne Rooney. I mean, he was only caught having sex with an ancient prostitute. Or maybe Frank Lampard, who’s fiance left him because he was caught having affairs on two separate occasions.

None of this matters though, does it? I mean, these players have been playing for England for years, even though they have stains on their personal records. Has it affected their performances on the pitch? Probably not. Have they hindered England’s chances to win trophies? Probably not. Essentially, England have got very few role models in the national football team. So swapping one cockend for another won’t make much of a difference.

Simply put, John Terry just happens to be the tabloids’ target of the month, and he just so happens to be England captain at the same time. He’ll still play for England at South Africa, he’ll still do exactly what he’s been doing as England captain, and England will still lose to either Germany or Argentina in a penalty shoot out. The world keeps turning.